it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize