Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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