Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
