I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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