so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
