I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
