I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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