we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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