Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
