also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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