I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
