he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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