Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
