I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
