Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
