Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
