All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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