I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
