She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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