As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
