by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
