Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
