The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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