He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
