I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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