Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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