Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
