They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
