New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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