My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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