Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
