I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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