forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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