Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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