What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize