Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
