A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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