He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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