He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
