I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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