he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
