My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
