I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
