Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
