yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
