Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
