Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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