I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
