Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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