Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
