Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
