If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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