I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize