well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
