if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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