He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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