Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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