you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
