I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
