I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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