Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
