you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
